How a Common Death Ritual Made It Harder to Mourn the Loss of My Mother ————-Say What!?
How a Common Death Ritual Made It Harder to Mourn the Loss of My Mother
We can barely contain our disgust at this article. In essence, the writer is complaining that the funeral home made her deceased mother look too good, and it has traumatized her. She writes: “I thought she was alive again. She looked better than she had for years. Her skin was pink and smooth; her hair, nicely groomed. Even her fingernails were done, and she had a very small smile on her face.”
This woman is hawking a book, and that likely accounts for her hyperbole, laughable terminology (slumber room, coffin) and misleading information (once again someone who can’t understand that cremation is a type of final disposition and does not preclude embalming). She did, however, catch the attention of a major magazine with her tripe. And she is yet another voice slamming the work we do with such caring and dedication.
This is one (seemingly disturbed ) woman’s opinion, and we know that this is not a normal reaction to a perfectly presented remains. As we have seen time and again, it is quite the opposite: families cannot thank us enough for taking away the ravages of disease.
Funeral service is being slammed on a regular basis. Unfortunately, part of the problem is that we have stayed silent while kooks (often inexperienced and/or unlicensed) speak for our honorable industry. We encourage funeral directors everywhere to reach out in rebuttal to these defamatory articles, starting with this one.
The New York Time’s email: editors@time.com.
6 IMPORTANT FACTS WE CAN LEARN FROM THE FUNERAL OF PRESIDENT GEORGE H.W. BUSH
This post originally appeared on sixtyandme.com
6 IMPORTANT FACTS WE CAN LEARN FROM THE FUNERAL OF PRESIDENT GEORGE H.W. BUSH
Definition of Funeral Service
Southern Calls is a prestigious funeral service journal. The SouthernCalls.com website has interesting articles and images on their pages that are a mix of old and new. The Funeral Profession page has two separate pages, The Present and The Past. The Present page has this as its headline:
THE PRESENT
Steeped in history, defined by compassion, The Funeral Profession moves ever forward buoyed by innovation, rooted in tradition, and made lasting in the service to others. We proudly honor the purveyors – past & present.
This should be funeral services motto. Every generation moves ahead but it should always be rooted in tradition and made lasting in the service to others. Funeral service history is not considered important by many today. It’s old fashioned and outdated. But what has never changed is this: We serve families. Whether they want a full traditional funeral or they want something modern and innovative we are still rooted in the tradition of honoring the deceased AND the family.
Too many times today it feels as though the material that is published in regard to funerals is oftentimes more about entertainment and getting likes on posts, or more followers. Funeral service built its reputation on not getting recognition for what we did. We did our work respectfully and quietly with reverence and compassion. Many people will not “like” this (in whatever form you take that) statement but funerals (now being called “celebrations”) are about remembering someone who has died and honoring that life in the most appropriate way for the family. This should be our only focus.
Death At Christmas by Melissa Johnson Williams
Death never takes a holiday. At whatever time of year a death takes place, it will leave a permanent reminder in those left behind. Around any of the holidays it’s also a painful reminder of the “empty seat”.
My own father’s death took place on Christmas Day. He had been sick for several days but my family and I did not anticipate his death any time soon. We saw him on Christmas Eve as I had to work on Christmas Day at the funeral home. While there embalming on Christmas morning, I received a call from the hospital that he was not doing well and we should come. I contacted my family and within the hour I was at the hospital. But as I approached his room, I could hear my daughter crying and the beeping of the machines. I walked back to the nurses station and was a little annoyed with the conversation I had with the nurse who had called me. She kept saying, “I told him don’t die it’s Christmas” and that he had been asking for me. I walked away to go to his room and shortly my sister and her family arrived. We spent a little time with him and then we left, I to go to the funeral home to complete the work I had to do and my sister to her home where we would meet later in the day. Later in the week he had the “funeral directors” funeral. And yes, we celebrated but it was still a funeral, a time to say good bye. He had his Army uniform on and many “personalized” reminders of the career he had as a mortuary science educator and old school funeral director for more than half his life. The ultimate closure to this life story was a champagne toast at the end of his service. It was beautiful.
Funeral directors today are often portrayed as villains and no longer relevant. I can tell you there is nothing further from the truth for the vast majority of us. Even in our own difficult time, we often sacrifice our families because we know that someone else needs our help. It is an honor to help families through one of the worst times of their lives. Merry Christmas.
** This beautiful picture of candlelit cemetery in Finland is from:
https://finland.fi/christmas/christmas-eve-in-a-candlelit-cemetery/
Madame CJ Walker
By Melissa Johnson Williams
Madame CJ Walker was a remarkable African American woman, a distinguished early 1900’s self made business woman. @Suntimes article about the sale of her estate, Villa Lewaro led me to look at her biography. She is buried in Woodlawn Cemetery, NYC.
Green Burials and Responsible Reporting
We submitted this piece to The New York Times @nytimes as an Op-Ed letter seven days ago and have never heard from them. We are publishing it here so our voices can be heard regarding this topic.
Recently, The New York Times published an article: Green Burials: At the End of Life, Thinking Outside the Coffin, (NYT, November 15, 2018)
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/11/15/business/green-burials-wendy-macnaughton.html
It was clever, and complete with eye-catching graphics and unusual fonts to draw the reader in. However, it lacked basic research to make it useful for those who interested in learning about funeral options. The premise of the article was, in a quirky way, to tell readers the reasons people might want to consider a “green” burial. What has been the problem with nearly all the stories and comments about green burial is that although they are touted as an up and coming way of disposing of human remains, the facts do not support the argument. This hype-driven alternative is the province of a small fringe group who make it difficult to distinguish between fact and fiction. You often read statistics that claim people are very interested in this type of disposition, but there is an astounding lack of reporting about what percentage of the general public is following through on this choice. If you ask funeral directors how often families select green burial, you will quickly find that this is not a trend at all. Although, funeral and disposition choices have changed over the years, clearly this is not a choice that is widely popular.
Looking at this specific article (many other articles quote the same statistics and material) there is a comparison between traditional funeral costs versus green burial costs at $1,000 – $4,000 for the green burial option. This is an exaggeration. By calling cemeteries that offer “green” options you will find that the burial space alone may take up more than half of the $4,000. The Green Burial Council’s (greenburialcouncil.org) website provides lists of approved and certified green burial funeral homes and cemeteries. For example, if you look at the list of cemeteries near New York City, you will find that the closest one is Sleepy Hollow Cemetery, about one hour outside the city. This means that the deceased would need to be transported a long distance for burial (as is the case in many areas around the country where there is no green cemetery nearby), adding additional costs.
The article goes on to look at the type of caskets and shrouds that can be used. Some green caskets are no less expensive than those typically used in funeral homes on a regular basis. A Google search for green caskets and shrouds reveals pages of listings. Memorials.com offers many varieties of green caskets on their website from woolen caskets starting at $1,297.00, up to $2,099.00 for a bamboo casket. kinkaraco.com has a variety of products for green burials. Shroud pages show items costing between $225.00 – $995.00. Bear in mind, these prices do not reflect the funeral home’s charges nor do they include the cemetery space. Combined, these costs can easily exceed $4,000.
The article also mentions urns and a starred box advises that “…cremation isn’t so green. Cremating one body uses as much fuel as a 500+ mile road trip.” There is no reference for this comment (nor for any of the other items in this piece) so one can’t determine its accuracy. Flame-based cremation usage is at an all-time high and continues to be a very affordable method of disposition. And newer flame-based cremation units are much more efficient. Last year, Facultatieve Technologies, a manufacturer of cremators, introduced the FT USA v2 cremation retort which minimizes the burning of natural gas during the cremation process. Flameless and aqua cremations are considered more environmentally friendly, but since they are relatively new their availability is limited across the country.
An exchange between the author and two workers at Fernwood Cemetery in Mill Valley, California, (fernwood.com) discuss interments with misguided humor. Of note is that Fernwood Cemetery, which bills itself as “one of the country’s first environmentally conscious cemeteries” is not on the list of Green Burial Council approved providers. What’s more, on their price list for ‘Natural Burial Options,’ the least expensive option is $6,700, far exceeding the article’s suggested cost of $1,000 to $4,000. These prices are just for the burial space and no other goods or services.
In the end what does all of this mean for the consumer? We believe it means that while people may be curious about alternatives to tradition funerals that curiosity has not led to a greater demand for green burials. At a time when traditional funerals today are sometimes mocked and treated like vulgar, pagan rituals, the majority continue to find them normal and comforting. The funeral of President George H. W. Bush is a case in point. So, let’s validate the consumer’s choice by telling them that whatever they want for their final disposition is okay. Surely, each individual should have the type of final disposition — burial, cremation, entombment — that they want and can afford, and that includes adhering to time-honored rituals or trendy alternatives. Just don’t be taken in by the hype.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy
By Melissa Johnson Williams
Those of us who witnessed the events 56 years ago of President Kennedy’s assassination, remember it vividly. He was so much more than just our President. He was of course a husband, father, son, brother, and friend to many. He was a decorated war hero and an inspiration to generations of people.
Rest on good and faithful servant.
Rosalia Lombardo
By Melissa Johnson Williams
It was my great pleasure to work on the National Geographic program Italy’s Mystery Mummies. I had the opportunity to work two distinguished anthropologist, one of whom was a living legend at the time. Dario Piombino-Mascali known for his work with the Sicilian mummies made it possible for me to complete my fathers research interest in Rosalia Lombardo. Dr. Arthur Aufderheide was the best bonus one could ask for. His nickname, the “mummy doctor” says it all.
My father for years before his death had an intense interest in Rosalia. He corresponded with the monastery about her numerous times and they put him in contact with a living relative of Dr. Alfredo Salafia who embalmed her. Through Dario I was able to put the pieces together that he had been looking for. Below is a blog post by our dear late friend, Christine Quigley discussing the program. Enjoy, Melissa Johnson Williams.
Embalmers and anthropologists
Three of my friends were on TV last night, and the program was fascinating! “Italy’s Mystery Mummies” aired on the National Geographic Channel at 10 P.M. last night (it will air again on Saturday at 7 P.M.). The team included physical anthropologists Dario Piombino-Mascali and Art Aufderheide, and Melissa Johnson Williams, practicing embalmer and executive director of the American Society of Embalmers. They had unprecedented access to the mummies in the churches and crypts of Italy, including that of little Rosalia Lombardo(1918-1920), one of the most perfectly preserved mummies in the world (and Dario’s favorite!). She was embalmed by Dr. Alfredo Salafia (1869-1933), but the ingredients of his formula have been a mystery–until Dario tracked down the niece of Dr. Salafia’s 2nd wife, who still had the embalmer’s papers, including a handwritten memoir in which he recorded the chemical components. They do not include the supposed arsenic, but instead formalin, zinc salts, alcohol, salicylic acid, and glycerin. Dr. Salafia was one of the first embalmers to use formalin (a formaldehyde mixture), but also secured Rosalia’s preservation by lining the specially-designed casket with lead and sealing it with wax, making it airtight. The team confirmed with x-rays that her body is intact, but did not break the seal, so she continues to lie in state at the Capuchin monastery in Palermo, Sicily. Wow!
Remembrance Day 100th Anniversary of Armistice Day
IN FLANDERS FIELDS
In Flanders’ fields the poppies blow
between the crosses, row on row,
that mark our place: and in the sky
the larks, still bravely singing, fly
scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the dead. Short days ago
we lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
loved and were loved, and now we lie
in Flanders’ fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe;
to you from failing hands we throw
the torch; be yours to hold it high,
if ye break faith with us who die
we shall not sleep, though poppies grow
in Flanders’ Fields.
By Lt Col John McCrae
